OY!

This whole not complaining thing is harder than I thought. I haven't gone one day without complaining at least once. I have cut back but it still slips out. I blame it entirely on the job right now :-).

On another note, I both like and dislike change! You know in some ways change is great because it increases the spontaneity in life but on the other hand it comes with much "growing" pain.

Relationships~all kinds not just that annoying boyfriend/girlfriend one but the friends one. I realized recently that I am very selfish. When it comes to relationships I have a hard time maintaining them if I can't physically see the person. For example, my best friend Beth lives in Iowa and I rarely see or talk to her.

Now some of this I attribute to the fact that she is now married and has someone else that she has to consider in life. Not that I hold that against her. I am happy for her. But I was thinking the other day that it sucks that our friendship seems harder to maintain now and that is when I realized that it is solely because I am selfish. I expect her to call me or contact me all the time instead of me MAKING the time to maintain a friendship that I hold dear. I never thought I wasn't selfish but I guess I just didn't see myself as that selfish.

The other thing that I realize is that when I do talk to my Best friends I usually am also working on something else at the same time and not giving them my undivided attention. What A JERK!!! If they have taken the time to call me and check up on me then I should give them the same consideration and pay attention. I realized this when I was talking to my best friend Shrig a couple of weeks ago. She is always so good about it and I always promise to call back when I have time, but do I? No! I am a selfish jerk.

Then there is my best friend Sarah who I probably dedicate more time to than all the three put together and that is so unfair of me. I don't know why, it's not that she is any better than the other two. I don't know, maybe its because she challenges me on a level the other two don't. NOt that they don't challenge me in their own ways but somehow it's different. I don't know how to explain it.

Each of them has had a direct and infinite impact in my life. Shrig has been the one person I could count on to treat me as an equal since that wretched time of life called highschool. She has taught me to laugh at myself when I do something stupid and to be strong in what I believe. She has been a part of my life for years and without her I sometimes think I would have forever remained living with my head stuck in a hole in the ground. (you know what I mean Shrig :-))

Beth I met in college when she was dating a guy I was interested in. (It's always best to be friends with your "friends" girlfriend) We built an amazing friendship out of it and have been there for each other through the ups and downs. She has taught me to find the beauty inside myself, to persevere and to trust that God is in contrl.

Sarah I also met in college and have known for years now. Sarah is the one who showed me the grace of God through her life, she showed me that there is always hope and opportunities for second chances. She has shown me that it is possible to live solely on faith alone when there really isn't much else to live on.

Then there's a friend that I met online who I have had the HARDEST time maintaining any kind of a relationship with. We seem to miss each other somehow. Course that might be because he lives in Portugal :-). But you know... He's fun to talk to when we get the chance and it takes me outside of my small world of DC and the USA. Who knows moving to Scotland next year may even give me the opportunity to actually get to meet him in person. That might make the friendship work :-) seeing as I do better with "physical" friendships.

I have numerous friends here in DC and am afraid of leaving next year purely for the reason that I know I struggle with maintaining long-distance relationships. I don't want to lose my friends. They mean a lot to me and each one has made an imprint on my life. What will I do without them?