Forgiven?
Without a doubt

But how?
To get past the guilt of what I’ve done.
I asked
He gave
But my mind won’t let me move on
It’s fresh
It’s open
It’s new
How do I combat the mind?
What should I do?

Grasping
Pleading
Begging
Looking
Searching

For peace of mind.

Why is His forgiveness not enough?

Coffee and Cigarettes

Sip
Swallow
Inhale
Exhale

Ragged
Breathe
Puff
Peace

Hack
Cough
Sip
Swallow

Calm
The burning
In my throat

Desperation
Inhale
Exhale
Sip
Swallow

Why can
I not
find
peace?

Anguish
Pain
Inhale
Exhale
Sip
Swallow

Another
Day
Another
Cigarette
Another
Cup

Maybe
Tomorrow
Will
Show the Way.

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

I’m home…or am I?

They say that home is where your heart is…well if that’s true then I am here in the States for an extended visit. I’ve always known that I belonged in Scotland. I’ve grown up dreaming of nothing but, I’ve written poems and anthems to that affect since I was old enough to write, the large portion of my library is Scottish history and info. Why did I have to come back here?

My heart aches every time I think about home. I want to cry all the time. I don’t want to be here in the States. I know this is not where God intended me to be. I want to go HOME!!!!!

sorry guys

Okay guys I apologize that I haven't updated in quite some time. It is harder than I thought to get access in the highlands. In fact the connection I am on right now is so slow and it is dial up. I can't even download pictures for you guys to see. Hopefully we will have access at our next hotel and I will upload some pictures. Sarah I can't wait for you to see the little tams I got Garrett and BETH I can't believe you didn't come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'll never guess where I went last night!!! You remember the picture you painted for me? Well I actually got to go to that castle. It is the Eilean Donnan castle and it is located near the Isle of Skye. I got some video for you and a couple of pictures of it for real and a pic or two of me in front of hte castle for you. The only funny thing is that there was a film crew there while we were visiting but it wasn't for an American movie or anything. It was for a Japanese music video, how ironic and funny is that. Well anyway to everyone else, thanks for your patience and I'll do my best to update tonight. JoyAnna

September 13, 2006 Day 5

We headed out around 8:30 for our start up towards the Highlands. First stop St. Andrew’s, the city, the university and of course the golf course. I got a couple of good pictures of the course and a bunch of the ruined abbey and castle. Otherwise it was an uneventful stop. One good thing, I got to leave my Grandmum with another gentleman on the trip and I wandered off on my own. It was kind of nice.

Then it was back on the bus and we were headed off to the Glamis Palace, the childhood home of the Queen Mother. It was nice but the most interesting part was getting to see the Highland cattle. They are cute “little” things and very soft. Then it was back onto the bus and this time we headed to Aberdeen. Another couple, who are actually from Herdon near where I live, and I ended up going to a local Starbucks and chatting while having a cuppa. It was a good time. Then it was back onto the bus and we headed up the hill and slightly out of the city to our hotel.
Dinner was at seven and by then I was struggling so very badly. The gentleman that decided to sit with us loves to complain and when he complains I think everyone else figures they should to. So not only was he complaining but my Grandmum and the other woman sitting with us were as well. I was so frustrated and bored. Lucky for me the Celtic FC and Manchester United were playing right next door in the bar so I grabbed a beer and sat down with the Tour Guide to watch the game. It was great. It was kinda nice to have someone “closer” in age than 60 years difference to talk to. The game was good but Celtic lost by one which isn’t bad when you consider the score was 3-2. Manchester was expected to roll right over the top of Celtic. Then it was into the lobby for me and I have spent the last couple of hours online trying to find things to do and people to talk to.

And here are pictures from today…

again a problem downloading pics but there are a bunch on my xanga site. www.xanga.com/ChristsChild

September 11th, 2006 Day 3 and Remembrance

On this day we headed out from Carlisle, England. We had stayed at a very quaint hotel that night. They had a couple of cats running around down on the main floor and while I was down there working on blogging and downloading one of them jumped up on my lap and snuggled down there while I typed. It made me miss my beautiful Fia immensely. Shout out to Hyla and JennO for taking care of her and giving her lovin while I am gone. So anyway, as I said we headed out from there and stopped at Hadrian’s Wall. This is a stone wall that is built on the fault line of where Scotland and England came together when the Panacea broke apart. It is amazing. They built it by hand and at some places it was more than six feet high and six feet wide. For the most part now the stones have been filched by local farms for use in their own fences. There are sheep and stone fences everywhere.















Oh a couple of things I have learned here. Any place name that starts with Kirk/Kil usually means that it has a church located in the town, so Kilmarnock is church of marnock. Dun/Dum means fortress, Dumbarton-Fortress of Barton and Pit comes from the Pictish decent of the people living there. If the place is known as a Hamlet it has no church if it is a village it does have a church.

The portion of Hadrian’s wall that we saw had a small milecastle located there. And that is exactly what it was, a castle located a mile from the last. There are two milecastles between the next fortress. Thus every fortress could supply the milecastles and the milecastles could supply the lines. A pretty ingenius plan if you ask me :-). The fortress here is known as Housesteads fortress and as you can see it is only a foundation of what it used to be.

After this we finally crossed back over into Scotland and being the quinticential tourist I got my picture taken at the rock that declared I was in Scotland. :-) What can I say!!! :-)

(okay here we go again the site is giving me problems with the picture downloading)

Then we made a short stopover and WC pause at a place called Jedburgh. Here is a picture of the beautiful but ruined Jedburgh Abbey. It was quite beautiful.

Then it was on to Abbotsford House, the home of Sir Walter Scott, author of Waverly, Rob Roy and many other wonderful novels and poems. I forgot to take pictures of the inside except for my favorite room the library. In his one library he had over a thousand books in the second one he had well over 7,000. I think I have found my new “idol” ;-).

While there, in the gift shop I found a scarf that I had really been wanting and it was on sale because it had a defect. However I can’t find the defect and I am the proud owner of a cashmere scarf in the tartan of Princess Diana of Wales, Memorial. I can’t wait to wear it. It is very beautiful and will go well with my navy peacoat. Here it is with some heather.

Back on the road again we, reached Edinburgh by 2:30pm. Grandmum and I napped all afternoon and then hit the local pub for dinner. Then it was back to the hotel and we passed out for quite some time. Well at least she did. I fell asleep and then, oh the frustration, my Grandmum snores quite loudly and consistently. I have not yet had a full nights sleep. If I beat her to sleep I usually get about three hours before she starts snoring. I mean her snoring is so loud that I can’t even get my iPod up loud enough to cover it. I try to turn it up loud enough that it is soothing to me and covers her as well as I cover my head with a pillow. It just doesn’t work. Any of you reading who care, please pray that I will get some sleep each night. I am starting to get exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I love being here with my Grandmum. Anyway…

As for it being September 11th, you don't notice it near as much here. I saw one brief thing on the bbc in the morning regarding the fact that Bush had visited all three sites of the attack but that was it. I know that I was thinking about it and how glad I was that I wasn't in the Pentagon that day. I still relive that horrific attack everytime a plane flies over where I work to land at Reagan. For those of you who don't know I work two corridors down from where the plane hit the Pentagon. When those planes fly over to land at Reagan I get chills up and down my spine and I can see the visual images as if they were happening all over again.

I know that I for one will forever remember September 11th, 2001 as a day that will live in Infamy much like December 7th, 1941. Many people lost their lives that day and many more since then. GOD bless America and the Men and Women who fight for her freedom daily.

XANGA

okay so my photos posted no problem on xanga so if you want to see the photos that go with both posts, go to www.xanga.com/ChristsChild

September 10th, Day 2

We were up at 6:00 am to pack, shower and get down to breakfast by 7:00 am. I find it funny that I am on holiday and getting up just as early as I do when I am home in the States. We were on the road by 8:15 am and headed off to our first stop, Alloway. Alloway is the birthplace of the National Poet of Scotland, Robert Burns. It was a quaint little thatched cottage. (photo at xanga) They have added much since its original production. Mostly the grounds though and not really the cottage. There are beautiful gardens and a quaint little museum. (photos at xanga)

Then it was back on the bus, well after a bit of a scare. One of the elderly ladies on our tour stumbled and fell on her face and started having a seizure. We ended up having to call the ambulance to come and check her out. It seems she was seizuring due to shock and everything was okay. One of the negatives to having all elderly folks on the tour. :-/ So then we were back on the road headed to Gretna Green. This place is famous for the blacksmith that used to marry couples on the run. It was mainly a tourist trap and not that fabulous. I didn’t get any pictures from there.

Oh yeah on our way to Gretna Green we actually stopped for a photo op in the highest town in Scotland which also happened to be the home of our tour guide. It was really neat, we got to meet his father and his dog and his father loved to share stories. I REALLY LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!! (photos at xanga)

On our way through this area I saw my first heather, though it is starting to go out of season so the hills were not purple with it but it was still a treat. I also got some fabulous pictures of the Scottish thistle. (photos at xanga)

After this we offically ended up in Gretna Green, from there we headed to Carlisle, England. We stopped and toured the castle. And of course no castle is complete unless it has a ghost. The story at this castle is based on this tower…(photo at xanga)

Supposedly in the little window near the top of the picture can be seen The Grey Lady. The story goes that this room was closed up at some point and when it was turned into a barracks in the 1800’s they opened up to make it into Sergents Quarters. When they broke down the wall they found the skeleton of a woman and small child. I saw nothing though, of course as you can see I was there in broad daylight. Oh well :-). More pictures of Carlise. (photos at xanga)

As Promised….

Well we have completed our first day of the tour. It was a long exhausting but good day. I’ll start with yesterday and pictures from then as well and then tell you about today.

September 9th, 2006 will forever remain one of the greatest days of my life. I finally reached my dream destination…Scotland. We landed in Glasgow around 2:30 – 3:00 pm.

It was an amazing experience. I actually cried, which I knew I would do. Who wouldn’t when something they have dreamed about for years is actually happening. It was just wonderful. The tour guide was there to meet us at the airport and then take us to the hotel. We stayed right smack dab in the middle of Glasgow and actually we were 3 blocks from where my Grandmum grew up.

Grandmum and I were exhausted and it was all we could do, when we got the hotel, to not lay down and sleep forever. She looked better than I did that’s for sure.

(Okay, so I'll have to post more pics later, cause this is not working.) Though I must say when I am exhausted my eyes are the color of green I have always wanted ;-). Well anyway…

We all met for dinner and a drink at 6:00 pm. There are 41 people in our tour group and I am the baby, for real!!! I am twenty-six years old and the next youngest person is 67. Yowza! I have never felt so young, which is kinda nice considering lately I have been feeling soooo old. :-)

After dinner, Grandmum and I tried to get ahold of her sister and neices, only to find that they were already on their way into the city in the hopes that we were there. It was so wonderful to finally meet these people that Grandmum always talks about.

The one in brown is my Grandmum, khaki is her sister Jess, then the one in white is Bev and then Karen. I had previously talked with “Aunt Karen” through e-mail so it was such a pleasure for me to get the chance to meet her in person. We had a lovely time meeting and chatting and catching up. I think I could easily stay here and never come back.

We made it!!!!

Okay so since I am getting requests...I can't quite post pictures yet but I do have stuff to report. We got to JFK on the 8th at 6:30 pm and flew out around 10:00pm. It was the longest hardest flight I have ever been on. I got stuck sitting in front of some pansy guy who would put his seat all the way back to rest and watch tv but if I put mine back he would tell me to put it back up because he couldn't see his tv. I think I actually started to cry, because at this point I had not slept since the 7th. I was utterly exhausted and all I wanted was a few hours sleep. We got to Amsterdam and our plane leaving from there to Glasgow was delayed. It wasn't bad though. It was great getting to hang around the airport and listen to the world. I mean you could hear every language possible. There were also some really cute young military men. :-) We finally got to Glasgow and through customs and everything else around 3pm their time. Now remember that we are 5 hours ahead of you all. I have some "fun" pictures of what I look like after not having any sleep for a couple of days.

The great thing was last night my Grandmum and I got to meet up with her sister and her neices or my Aunt Karen and Bev. It was wonderful and there are pictures to come. I have to go get on the bus. Love to all and thanks Mike for keeping me up to date about the Pats you have no idea how much I will definitely appreciate it!! God bless everyone.!!!!

Vacation

How sweet that word sounds rolling off my tongue. Not just a weekend away but a real honest to goodness vacation where I can think of nothing else but myself and the utter joy I am experiencing. I mean I am talking no cell phone and only answering e-mail if I want to. I will be blogging about my trip everyday but I won’t really have any contact with the States, it will be kind of nice. Now I know that sounds so utterly selfish but in a way I feel I deserve it.

• I worked my rear off at my old job in order to earn enough paid time off so that I would still get paid and get to go on this trip. The stinky thing is that they didn’t appreciate me and I had to leave for a better job with less PTO and the pay-out for that saved time from the old job helped cover the week that I took off between jobs.
  
• My vacation between jobs, though it was a week long was not a vacation in the sense of relaxing, think only of me one. Not that it was bad, in no way was it a terrible week, in fact besides going to Scotland, it was one of the greatest weeks of my life. I got to spend an entire week doing what I love with one of my best friends. I got to serve her by helping with all her last minute wedding details. It was great, I loved it, though I do regret I have only one picture of the two of us and it isn’t even in our dresses. What a bummer!!
  
• For the past couple of months since moving in our apartment has been affectionately known as Hostel 310. We have had people living with us since August. Now I am not complaining about this either, because God gave us the place and we have a duty to give as we are able and if someone needs a place to stay we’ll offer since it is God’s place not ours. However on the flip side, it is a little tiring to go home and have to “entertain” because you have guests and really shouldn’t go hide in your room.
• So those are some of my reason that I feel that I “deserve” to be a little selfish about thinking nothing of anything else but how much I am going to enjoy this trip. I must note though that I do realize that I would not be getting this opportunity if it weren’t for the Grace of God and the many prayers of all my friends. I know that I will definitely enjoy my time in another country, marveling at God’s magnificent creation.

You know, I realized that sometimes I tend to think that the US is all there is because it is the only thing I know. I mean I have been to Canada, but that is attached to the US so I didn’t leave the continent. I have also been to Bermuda, which is like a little slice of Britain in the Atlantic Ocean off the US. Yet again though it is still too close and you don’t need a passport to go there, just a birth certificate. I mean I am actually leaving the United States of America and stepping foot in not one but two different countries. I will be landing in Amsterdam first for a short layover before heading on to Glasgow.

Kind of stinky things though:

• missing almost the entire series of my Pastor’s Billboard series.
• missing the first two games of my football teams season.
• missing almost the entire first month of my small groups.
  (Stage Left, Alpha, and a couple of other ones I want to do that I can’t think of off the top of my head.)
• missing my friends immensely as I have finally begun to form close friendships.
• missing a possible trip to Philly where I haven’t been since I was a child.

Now these are almost all such trivial matters when compared to the big picture of finally achieving a dream I have had since I was five years old. I can always go to Philly another time and as for the football games, I can check on them online. I think it is the spiritual and friendship aspect that I will actually miss the most. I didn’t realize how much I was getting fed by talking with my friends and through Pastor Mark’s messages and my small groups.

more later…

WE ARE GO FOR TAKEOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the final call today at 5:30 pm today that everything is all good. They were able to correct the situation without incurring any fees. We are leaving from JFK airport next Friday the 8th at 10:05pm. I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!! Thank you so much for all your prayers! I know that it was because of you all and your prayers that God made everything work out. WOOOHOOO!!!!!

Random thoughts

Let us live as though Christ were crucified yesterday, risen today, and coming tomorrow. Martin Luther

Did you know you can hit the snooze on your alarm clock so many times it doesn’t give you the option anymore? My cell is my alarm clock and I have a tendency to hit snooze in the morning so many times that after I think the 5th or 6th time it says “Alarm 5:30 am ok?” Basically my cell phone is being stubborn and refusing to be the excuse for my inability to get up in the mornings. :-)

I love when it rains because I feel like God is washing away the dirtiness of the world and all my cares and worries.

I like running in the rain because it makes me feel good.

I want a house someday where I can have a fire place with a big comfy couch in front of it to read a good book with a cup of hot tea on a rainy day.

I want a house with a big front porch with a porch swing where I can sit encompassed by the arms of the one I love, listening to the rain and talking about life.

Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Wait for the guy who calls you back when you hang up on him. Wait for the guy who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat. What for the guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead. Wait for the guy who wants to show you off to the world when your in sweats. Wait for the guy who prays with you. Wait for the guy who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the guy who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup. Wait for the guy who always reminds you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the guy who turns to his friends and says "that's her."